The phantoms we all chase CAN be obtained

The paradox is in the fact that we have to stop chasing them to obtain them

There is a curious list of phantoms that we all chase, individually and collectively. They are phantoms in this: The more we strive to grasp said phantom, the more it eludes our grasp. These constructs are all actually obtainable, but they are obtainable only as side effects of other efforts. We obtain them while focusing on a different goal. To make them the primary goal we seek to achieve renders them further out of our reach.

Before getting into a list of these phantoms, consider the following tale (I can’t help it. I am a teacher so my experiences often come from that milieu):

There was once a teacher in my school fairly new to the profession, who was interested in being a good teacher (that is true for virtually all of us. The intensity of the job and its relative lack of perks insures that its practitioners are at least intending to do the job well) and, as is often the case, he set out to be “friends” with the students in hopes of using that social capital to give him an “in” with the students.

As is always the case with such intended efforts, it failed miserably (I’ve yet to see a counter-example in over three decades of observation). The students regularly complained to others that this teacher was “cringey” and “tried too hard to be friends with us.”

It was not simply coincidence that this teacher had issues with classroom management issues early in his career. This stemmed from, among other things, his being generally lax in his discipline in an attempt to cultivate that “relaxed, friendly atmosphere.” Though this was not the only roadblock, it certainly was at least partially instrumental in the teacher’s failure.

Seek to be friends with students, and that “friendly” environment becomes increasingly elusive.

Or consider the teacher any worker that demands “respect” in any work setting. And when said “respect” is not forthcoming, the employee (or supervisor) becomes righteously indignant and demands said respect as a fundamental requirement before moving on.

In educational circles, it is any player -teacher, parent, administrator- who insists that the person across from them accord them the respect they deserve. In every interaction I have observed where this occurred, the person making the demand inevitably lost respect from the person of whom they were making the demand. The level to which a person deserved respect was immaterial. The demand for the respect lowered the level of respect.

The irony is evident.

If respect is the goal, and one reaches for that respect and demands it, respect just got that much further out-of-reach.

To earn respect in the workplace, one needs to focus on things other than respect.

Ideally, the worker focuses simply on doing his or her job as well as they can. Once that has been recognized (and good work is very often recognized), then the respect automatically follows.

The observant reader will immediately note that there will always be bad players that don’t respect hard work. And this is certainly true. To take a common example, the boss who can never be pleased will not respect even his hardest workers.

But you best believe that his fellow employees respect said workers excellence.

So it one chases respect, one loses it. Perverse, but there it is. And this perversity can be found in other areas:

• If one is searching for love/companionship and making that clear, potential companions detect the intent and are repelled by it. One needs to be confident and seemingly not needing companionship. This then attracts potential companions. Be comfortable first with who you are, and the interest from others in you increases.

• Happiness, in this strict sense (as “happiness” actually has some level of fraught regarding definition): “I will be happy once I achieve X.” That happiness is a phantom. Obtain X and you will find you are just as miserable as you were while striving for it. Now, this is not to say that happiness is unobtainable. It most assuredly is. But to tie happiness to external circumstance is to chase a phantom. It does exist. But it cannot be obtained once it becomes the primary target.

• Certainty is another tough phantom. Most every field, yes, even physics and chemistry, is littered with would-be sages who just knew that they had a grasp on the “truth(tm)” when in fact they were proven wrong at some point in the future. We are wired to seek certainty. It allows the brain to rest. But the basic reality is that we need to continue to question. It is only in that questioning that we end up edging closer to the truth.

Regarding certainty, as Gurwinder, the author of The Prism substack (one I recommend wholeheartedly) puts it:

I used to think Truth was a destination, a techno-utopia, a place or moment of ultimate enlightenment. But I now know Truth is a horizon; we'll never quite reach it. . .

Happiness, love, respect, certainty. These concepts are not obtainable in and of themselves.

To give a counter-example as illustration: Honesty is something one can practice, and one can make “being honest” a goal. “I wish to be viewed as honest.” And one may fervently wish to be so. So one always tells the truth. I will be honest. Being perceived as “honest” will logically follow. But the others? Those are phantoms when they become the primary goal.

But one cannot practice “respect” or “love” or “happiness” in that fashion. One can be “respectful” of others, and that helps. But that alone will not necessarily accord respect. One has to focus on other virtues to obtain that respect. One can be “loving” of others, and that helps as well. But again, if the overweening desire is to seek companionship, one can be the most loving person out there and will have increased odds of dying alone, as the “try-hard” enigma will manifest itself.

So, an incomplete list of phantoms might include:

Happiness. One who pursues happiness for its own sake is doomed to being unhappy.

Respect. Demanding respect has the contrary result of reducing it.

Love. Focusing over-much on seeking love tends to drive prospective partners away.

Certainty, at least plausibly.

I would leave it to any readers out there to comment/add their own.